March 22, 2003 ( Read more... )

that's the Zen side, that we're unfixable,

the Catholic side, is that we're salvageable,

and I had to make peace between these two sides,

to survive, myself, to salvage, myself, despite being unfixable,

we are still salvageable,

strange how the aloneness of having the house to myself didn't hit until I don't have to work tomorrow -- the 8am car appointment isn't enough, the Saturday gaming session isn't enough, heh ( Read more... )

music is now higher on my To Do List, but I'm still prioritizing rest and relaxation as I'm adjusting to the major life changes of RTO and T-away,

and finally I'm feeling the rest and relaxation -- haven't had trouble sleeping this week, wore khakis to the office LOL, met with my boss in person, haven't needed to call anybody or schedule anything ( Read more... )

Lifted weights this morning, was a light work day, took a walk break in the afternoon. T went to pick up B, we had Lebanese food delivered, then out to the hot tub for a while, the three of us, on a work night! LOL ( Read more... )

this is triggering for me, reminding me of the Iraq war, and how upset I was then, and how I went crazy,

but, this time, I'm not going crazy, I've been to this rodeo before,

I'm not getting up on that horse this time, I'm staying on the ground

I feel I owe it to myself to read a book about Dark Matter and Dark Energy after reliving that seemingly paranoid fantasy about stochastic time bombs.

There's one "paranoid" fantasy I experienced during my Wild Week in 2003 that did come true.  I predicted the rise of social media algorithms that would censor our posts and decide for us which of our ( Read more... )

All the fears that arose back then, they're back.  But, crucially, I'm OK, I can sleep, I'm not in distress, I'm just reliving all that shit now.  Calmly, as an observer of memory.  Underline: calmly.

The most abstract fear of them all, was/is that I might have the ability to solve the mysteries of dark matter and dark energy, which solutions could ( Read more... )

it's the solar eclipse again, eh? every 17 2/3 years, Bug's moon occludes Bug's sun,

but this time, Bug has seen it before, and Bug has companions who have seen me seeing it before, and more companions who haven't, and my own map from the other side, I saw it, earlier today, tucked behind some CDs on my desk's shelf, above my Xbox,

Damn if tonight ( Read more... )